Today I felt like a new woman.
I can finally say that I am 97% cured of the bird flu and my mom (AKA “gagga”) came over to watch the babies for me this afternoon for a few hours.
Then the colossal dilemma hit me. Where do you go when you are given a leave pass from the kids from lunchtime nap time till just before dinner, bath and bed time – leaving really just over 1 hour (less travel time to and from home) to be alone with my thoughts and pramless, so as not be bound by the need for wide pavements and sheltered areas from the elements?
[Hold that thought, my 10 month old broke his once-a-week sleeping
through the night pattern and has woken up at 10.59pm for a feed and
cuddle, or is that the 2 year old for a midnight snack?!?!]
Right, back on board now – 11.55pm. It’s been all hands on deck for the past hour with both babies up – Jon Jon vomited his dinner on my “joujeey” black bedspread – gross and Lance is “settling” Aiden – shame.
Anyway, with 2 hours to kill this afternoon I was at a complete loss of where to go to. Being a beach and sun addict, ordinarily in summer weather it would have been an easy decision – I would have run down Bondi for a swim or a gone for a run from Bondi to Bronte and then chilled for a coffee in Tamarama half way (I haven’t done this since I was pregnant with my firstborn and Oh how I dream of doing this again…) But since the weather has been FREEZING cold here like 5 degrees in the sun in the mornings – I had no idea where to go.
I had a number of runner-up ideas which I eventually cancelled out or canned for being either inappropriate for a mother of two (like going for a drink midday to a pub, alone) or pathetic for a woman of 30 in general (like going to Customs House Library, my all time favourite library in Sydney and tucking into a wonderful historical fiction novel about Henry VIII or Marie Antoinette – ahh bliss …. and better than “doing it” in my opinion).
Finally, I settled on 3 sensible options, which I achieved mild, sedated enjoyment out of:
1. I went grocery shopping and blew $374 in 45 minutes (and this shop didn’t even include my kosher meat!)
2. I finally went to select fabrics for my long-anticipated bedheads for my masterbedroom and Aiden’s bedroom (and on my way to the warehouse I conquered my fear of finding my way to Glebe/Pyremont /getting to the Pyremont Bridge, which is really, incidentally the SAME as the Anzac Bridge, but goes by another name to confuse people who drive crappy 15-year-old cars like me and only know the inner Eastern Suburbs and CBD well, but lose confidence in the West or North!!)
3. I stopped past the Sydney Fish Markets (which was right by the Anzac Bridge/Pyrmont Bridge_ to see if the fish really is cheaper than usual – WASTE of time – no it’s not!!)
4. I drove past Oxford Street, Paddington and parked. Thought I would run up and down the shopping strip as I always dream of doing this when I am without the kids but never do – it was really average, didn’t end up buying anything as I was not in the mood and nothing excited me…I briefly contemplated getting a blow dry, or getting my nails done or buying myself some cheap flowers from Vej, the cute fruit and vegetable shop, but figured that I didn’t have sufficient time and also couldn’t really be bothered. I even called a few friends for inspiration but no-one had anything I could really work with in a spontaneous instant.
In fact, for the entire time that I was out (2.75 hours) I was checking my watch and phone incessantly to see where my mom would be up to and if the babies were up and were eating etc. I also rushed home to be back by 4.50pm because dinner is served at 5pm then bath time at 6 ish and then bed.
I realised while driving myself home with the music I like to listen to (not the Wiggles) blaring (which I NEVER het to do anymore) why I never ended up doing anything overwhelming or self-rewarding-because two primary factors consume me now – GUILT and SELFLESSNESS. I am putting those two words out there – even though Lance would say that is total bull dust – but truly, those two elements are what inhibited me today and barred me from going all out with my 3 hours of freedom and independence. At night I have no problem deciding where to go – it’s an easy decision and I HAVE to go to fabulous bar or club – but daytime is so much harder to figure out.
So – next time (if there is a next time) I vow that I am going to be way more prepared and am going to make it Bronte and back with a massive smile on my face – or with a cocktail at the end – one way or another – LESS GUILT and MORE SELFISHNESS!