OK, so I’m not exactly at the point where I can admit to being one of those poor, hopeless sods who drinks wine out of a cardboard box during the day, but I’m on way. Allow me to explain.
First, let me stress that I certainly do not advocate daytime drinking, however, sometimes, this may become necessary, if certain events, people and things accumulate and have the catalytic effect of causing a short fuse to blow prematurely. At these times, I believe that it’s better to take a sip and calm down before doing things that you may regret later like throwing the cat out the window or leaving the kids at the grocery store mid-tantrum on purpose and speeding off into the sunset alone!
So, I’ve decided to single out the people, things and people’s things that drive me to drink before dusk on any given day.
These characters usually travel two-by-two at a slower than a snail pace. Slow-walkers are canoodling and cuddling and have stop mid-pavement to giggle and lick each others faces and generally one half of the couple is trying desperately to squeeze his hand into his respective other’s impossibly tight jeans pocket. Ahh young love – I always wonder, should I warn them about it now or let them find out the ugly truth for themselves… These unsuspecting creatures are oblivious to my struggle trying to wrangle a restless toddler from a narrow miss with a bicycle on the footpath while my baby wrings his fingers tighter and tighter round the last few strands of my hair and pulls me in the complete opposite direction. So it’s an absolute given that I am going to push past with a grimace and drive over the young couple’s feet with my double pram – they should’ve watched where they were going!
In my world I need to get places fast and get the words out even faster. If you really insist on holding me for one second longer than necessary in a meaningless, drawn-out exchanges about the weather or my untied shoelace, that’s all it takes for two conniving little kiddies to camouflage themselves and disappear into the shelves of the kids department store to cause all the fluids and energy to drain from my body and to be sucked into a nauseating vacuum of panic and nausea. “Yes, it’s unusually tepid for an April Autumn day, hmm, yes”. “Babies, where are you, where did you goooooo?”
Unreliable, uncommitted narcissists who constantly and repeatedly let desperate moms like me down. These are the types of people that have absolutely no commitments in life – single, unemployed perhaps, no kids, loads of money and zero responsibility. So you would think with all this vacant space that they’d have some time for other people. Well, these people tend to be a bit on the selfish side and can so quickly make themselves appear super-busy. They also look really well-rested when you see them because chances are they probably slept till noon that day, and when I haven’t slept in 3 years it’s really best to keep these sorts away from me for fear of what I’m capable of saying or doing!
Selfish, childless people
Face nodders who give you the filthiest looks when you’re crossing the road while you push you pram and talk on the phone – clearly they have no concept of multi-tasking and the fact that this principle governs every second of my day. Starers and Frowner-upponers who gawk and point and whisper amongst themselves while you attempt to settle unruly toddlers mid-tantrum and peak hour in the grocery store. People I’m not a zoo exhibit. If you’re so concerned then offer to help but don’t stare, I’m self-conscious enough as it is.
You have no right to be tired and no right to complain when you sleep all day or you work 9am to 5pm and then go to bed early.
People with full-time help
I know it’s my choice not to have help but I really don’t want to hear that you’re going for a manicure, pedicure, facial and body spa for the third time this week because your personal trainer is on holidays and you’re sick of using your free time at the gym.
I guess what goes around comes around because while I was typing this post I spilt my entire glass of wine all over the freshly wiped kitchen surface and freakishly close to my iPad keyboard. Not sure if it was karma telling me not to drink at 11.40am or if all the people above who I drink to forget about banded together to get their back on me! Anyway, with the broom in one hand and a topped up glass of my favourite Kosher Rose’ in the other I have less than an hour to get a quick buzz while I get the living room in order, hang up the laundry, and clean the bathrooms and call my mom before the kids wake up.
Bottom’s up xx