Temporary Position Vacant: Replacement husband (London Rioters need not apply)

I sometimes fantasize about the wording I would use to draft the perfect advertisement if I were ever in a position to apply for a replacement husband.

Just a temporary measure, of course.  Like, say, if hubby had to go away suddenly for business, or something, and I desperately needed an extra pair of hands round the house, to do ‘odd jobs‘ and the like.

So, for fun, here is an excerpt of my dream advert – and Darling Husband, if you’re reading this (which I safely know you aren’t) – I’m only joking, so please, please don’t go anywhere – I really, really do love you ‘just the way you are’ – this advert is a mere ‘puff’, just a bit of poetic licence, laced with exhaustion and a maybe just a dollop of non-melancolic depression.

Temporary Role: Replacement Husband

Desperate, exhausted housewife seeks capable replacement husband/helpful significant other for short term assistance and workload sharing.

  • To be successful in this role you must be male, easy on the eye, competent and keen with all housework and handyman type stuff, including and not limited to vacuuming, sweaping and mopping floors, folding linen, mowing lawn, dusting and polishing, various types of heavy lifting, washing cars, washing out school lunch boxes, making school lunches and cooking gourmet fat-free, dinner-party style, impressive adult meals.
  • You must be a self-starter who has no qualms about taking and following instructions and must expedite all tasks completely and thoroughly without raising complaints or expecting anything beyond your usual remuneration in return.
  • British accent would be an advantage, must easier to listen to if you really must speak back, but  please note that applicants who have had any involvement in the recent London Riots need apply.  We have enough upheaval and unrest around here as it is.

Candidate Personality Traits:
The successful candidate must be witty, worldly, charming, charismatic, rich, own sports car and be willing to permit shared use of the above assets.  (It is expected that applicants are not applying for the position in connection with personal revenue raising, but rather in course of gaining a richer life experience about ‘what life is really about’.)

The successful candidate must be able to dispel all the usual theories about husbands and men in general, so as to restore the employer‘s faith in the ‘stronger’s sex.

Candidates who have little or no knowledge of the following areas, or would consider any of the following items to be “non-issues” need not apply:

  • Wouldn’t bath the kids unless the odor became a real cause for concern
  • Oral hygiene is not a high priority – that is, teeth brushing, hair brushing and face washing – not necessary (maybe before bed, but hell, why bother every time they wake up from a nap etc)
  • Meals and Nutrition – not sure what they would consist of, snacks and offering drinks of water would be on request only and
  • How one dresses kids – i.e. Fashion style – not too crucial as long as shoes are on the correct feet.

There will be a 24 hour a trial period for the successful candidate – this is only because the employer will know within that a very short time frame (almost instantly) whether or not you have what it takes.

Perks to the Job:

Excellent remuneration for the right candidate.  Bonuses include a jam-packed day of  on some very witty conversation, leftover dinners for you to take home and bottles of wine to share at the end of a busy day.  Plus you’ll get to feast your eyes on a diverse array of fluffy, coloured bathrobes and matching slippers which your employer will model for you for free as part of the ritual to cap off each interesting day on the job.

This is a highly rewarding position for anyone ready to take fatherhood to the extreme and to take fatherhood seriously.  Either way, each day will be different and challenging but not without its lasting lessons and souvenirs, like toddler sized bite marks on your limbs some days, food stains on your clothes and matted chunks of your hair.

Funny, I would be thrilled to find anyone able to cope with the workload at all, but the truth of the matter is that my husband cracks it when he has to look after both of our sons on his on for more than a couple of hours.  If left ‘in charge’ for longer than 2 hours, I’m bound to hear things like  “You’ve slept in for 2.5 hours this morning and I’ve done everything for them – you should be feeling so relaxed!” or “You’ve had your free time now it’s time for you to spend some time with me instead of sitting on the computer!”

Don’t get me wrong, I am very, very grateful for any spousal support I get, as I know some husbands do little or next to nothing, but still, it could be better, and an initiative-taker would be a win.

Alas, for now, I won’t be placing any adverts.

Rather, my dream is for my husband to take our sons on an outing* ON HIS OWN for an entire day.

*”outing” does not include sitting on the couch with a drink and a newspaper while the kids look after themselves and kill each other for the entire time.  It means an actual, not simulated in a Ben10 Tent, out-of-the-house-for-more-than-5 minutes actual excursion.

Well, a girl can always dream, right.


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